Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Q&A with L.A. Dick

You’ve had a rather unusual career, haven’t you?

Whaddya mean?

Well, you started out as a policeman, made detective and worked homicide cases for the most part, and then you suddenly quit the department.  What caused you to make that decision?

Hey!  There wasn’t nothin’ to those charges and anyone says otherwise is a damn liar!

What charges?

Huh?  Oh.  Uh … nothin’.  Never mind.  You got a question for me or what?

As a private investigator, do you find it difficult to do your job, what with the very strict gun laws?

Investigator?  Whaddya talkin’?  I’m a private dick.  Okay?  Let’s just call a spade a spade.  And lemme tell ya somthin’.  I don’t need no gun to do my job.  Besides.  Most a my work comes from bullsh –

Um.  Excuse me.  Could I get you to kind of clean up your language a bit?

Can I get ya to skootch in a little?

As long as you don’t keep putting your hand on my leg.  Sure.

Whatever.  Anyways, most a my work is what I like to call the bread-n-butter of the private eye biz.

Such as?

Let’s say some broad’s worried the mister’s cheatin’ on her.  She could go snoopin’ around, tryin’ to get into his e-mail accounts n crap like that but maybe he’s got some secret account she don’t know about.  How’s she gonna find out.  Huh?  The answer is she don’t.  She don’t know what the hell’s goin’ on.  That’s where I come in.

So you can do computer searches and find the hidden accounts?

Whaddya’ talkin’?  I don’t find nothin’.  What I do is I make sure I catch the guy in the act.  E-mails ain’t nothin’.  Ya gotta get hard evidence.  And when I say hard –

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I know what you mean.  What happens when the wife’s fears turn out to be unfounded?

Yeah, right.  Like that ever happens.  Lemme tell ya, men are scum.  Know what I mean?  Hey.  I got some pitchers here.  Wanna see ‘em?

No thanks.  Are you telling me you’ve never had a case where the husband isn’t cheating on his wife?

Ya know what?  Yeah, maybe that’s happened a couple times but what I do is I set things up so he winds up with some babe.  I got a dame I use sometimes -

Why would you do that?

Because there ain’t nothin’ better’n a wife’s gratitude.  Believe you me.  I can be real comfortin’, if ya know what I mean.  ‘Course, sometimes it’s the mister who suspecks, in which case my job’s a lot easier.  Alls I gotta do is make sure my camera’s set up good.  Cases like that maybe I can get both of ‘em payin’.

You’re despicable.

Is that some fancy way of sayin’ I’m a jerk.  ‘Cause if it is you should just say so.  Say, are you wearin’ –

That’s none of your business.

‘Cause it looks like you ain’t.  Rox don’t.  She’s my secetary.  Kind of a pain in the ass, if ya know what I mean but sometimes when she’s at her desk and she turns just the right way I can see –

I think this interview is over.

Yeah?  That wasn’t so bad.  So now do ya wanna see some pitchers?

When does your book come out?

Some time in March  The 17th, I guess.  Hey!  Ain't that St Paddy's day?  Tell ya what.  How's 'bout me n you get together.  You look like you could put away - 


Wha?  I was just gonna say you look like you could handle your likker, fer crissake.  That hurt.

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